MY J0URNAL

Febuary 18, 2021

My brain is so LOUDDUDUDDDDDD i have so many thoughts at once i cant get them all out it's
like i want to do 800 things at once but theres only so mant hours in a day and i cant do anything
and ive been home all day doing nothing because i want to do too much

November 27, 2020

wasn't very lucky today but other than that my day was okay. i'm going to the city tomorrow
with my friend to get anime figures and bubble tea :D im looking forward to it!! also i cleaned
my room without being asked for the first time in ages, that probably sounds like im 
just lazy but i have a lot of trouble when it comes to motivation and energy so honestly this is a
big improvement for me. uhh i dont really have a lot to say today,,,,,, i think that's it tbh :p

November 26, 2020

i spent a lot of time updating my site :"D im quite proud though, i think it looks a lot better!
school's almost over, only 2 weeks left. im.. not really happy with what i achieved this year in school,
i didnt make as many friends as i wanted to :( theres always next year ig. 
i really want to buy a gaming setup, right now all i have is a laptop and a gaming mouse cjdvfhvjh and my 
laptop has like 4 gb ram please send help T_T.... 
also ive been kind of. obsessed with personality types lately, idk why but i always feel a need to categorise
myself and know exactly what type of person i am since i struggled a lot with depersonalisation and didn't
really know (still dont ngl) who i was for a long time. do most people feel like they dont know themselves
or is it unusual? i really cant tell how much of what i do is normal or not LOL

November 25, 2020

I can't believe it's already almost the end of the year,,;; i feel both like i accomplished
a lot and did nothing at the same time lol. my mental health got worse but i improved most 
other things so that outweighs the negatives right? ^.^' i bought some makeup today, nothing fancy
just BB cream and mascara :P. but i think i'm starting to come out of that depressive episode FINALLY,,
jeez it took me long enough. hopefully nothing will set it off again because 
honestly i would prefer to be able to brush my teeth more than 4 times a week lol
i made some new friends from my school over instagram, they offered to let me sit with them but
it's a very big group and im a bit scared to approach them randomly so i'll just wait for the right
moment i guess? lol i'm terrible at approaching people XD. also i started using neopronouns on top
of my normal pronouns (bun/bunself), so far nobody's made fun of me abt it but i feel like
it's only a matter of time ngl T_T ah well i cant please everybody :").
rereading through my older entries is interesting. around the start i didn't really say much, it was really
vague entries only a couple sentences long. i think writing this blog/diary/website has helped me be able
to open up a bit more, even if it's anonoymous. i still struggle a LOT with opening up to people i know irl
but it's nice to be able to write anything i want on this website :]

November 23, 2020

today was a bit better, i was more social and talkative today than i was before 
and my friend bought me some milk bread. i still feel really lonely but it's 
better than it was before right? (＾▽＾) 
other than that today was pretty uneventful, i didnt really do much and couldn't
focus very well in class ;_; at least the semesters over now and i dont have to worry
about grades (speaking of which i did pretty well, i got only A's and B's). my mum 
cleaned my room for me which was nice of her, since a lot of the time i'm too tired/unmotivated 
to clean it myself haha. oh yeah i also got my first commission today! i'll be getting $30 
from it which is very neat, i should probs get started on it lol

November 22, 2020

Nobody talks to me anymore
nobody texts me
my friend group makes plans in front of me and dont invite me
why am i not good enough for anyone?
why does everyone ignore me? i try so hard to be like everyone else but its never enough.
im an introvert but i just want to stop feeling so lonely
now i dont even know what to do from here
the school year is almost over and ive got almost nobody ;;
this isnt how i wanted my teenage years to go but idk how to change anything
i wish i didnt have to go to school it just makes me want to die from loneliness
nobody understands
the only person who cares to check in on me is a stranger on reddit, not even my friends
my life is pathetic, and i know i should be trying to change it but GAHH its so hard :((
i know ive been venting a lot here, it's just this website is really the only place
i can get my feelings out without feeling like a burden :") but hey at least ive always got 
the weekend to look forward to? ive been practising my art skills so hopefully i can open
commissions and buy myself something nice :D

November 8, 2020

im so lonely
and sad
and tired
i just want someone to care about me
my parents are the only ones who remotely care about me and they always make me feel sad
and angry 
i dont even want to talk to my mom she just makes me feel terrible about myself 
i only have like 3 friends
i spend all of my time on discord or watching anime
why has my life gone downhil llike this
im so fucking lonely its unbearable
i just wanna talk to someone i just want to be friends with someone but it feels like
everyone gets annoyed be me or hates me so i just leave them alone
i mean my best friend of 4 years is just leaving me on seen now so if she who stuck with me for years
is leaving me then i dont have hope with anyone do i
hahdjjhah
im so lonely 
do i even exist?
i dont exist to anyone else
nobody messages me nobody asks to hang out nobody cares nobodyc ares
im so sick of pretending to hbe okay
im sihck of laughing everytbing off
i cant even get out if bed anymore
tgis world is terible
i just wanna behappy but i cant

November 2, 2020

 SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING :(( I didn't have wifi for a while and after that I just didn't have the 
energy to :( I can give a quick rundown of what happened though; 
October 14-16: was very sad/stressed abt moving and passed out LMAO
october 16-25: sad but mostly chill
october 25-now: depressive episode B)
so yeah sorry its not detailed LMFAO im too lazy, more detailed entries soon

October 14, 2020

moving tmr!! finally getting out of this crusty lil apartment XD ive been getting
a lot of migraines recently from all the moving around and lfiting :(( schools been a lot
less stressful though since im pretty sure i only have one exam/assessment the entire term !! 
also i really want to get my hair cut and dyed, i look so bland its horrible :( i really wanna get it cut 
like!! emo bangs and shorter, and maybe with pink and black streaks :33 i think that would look cute,,,

October 13, 2020

my family was fighting a lot today. these past few days have been stressful af which
doesnt help that im already suicidal and sad :( i just want to get this whole thing over
with

October 12, 2020

moving in 2 days, we've been packing a lot. i have an exam on friday that i cant really study
for much cuz of moving x.x

October 3, 2020

Sorry for disappearing these past few days. did i worry anyone? lol probably not 
  im so excited for halloween and im kinda getting over moving house, like its a little
  bit further away sure but its not like its in another city or something. it could be worse ig :p

September 29, 2020

i feel so alone and invisible... i wanted to kill myself so bad today but i didnt,
  because im scared of missing out on something good. my parents dont seem to care that i'm
  hurting, i was crying today and my mum hit me and yelled at me. i dont really have anything
  or anyone left except my passion. i wanna be in a hospital, or someplace like that where people
  can fuss over me and treat me well, because here i feel like im completely invisible and 
  forgotten. but i guess thats just what im destined to be, right? ive always been left behind
  my entire life, always second best. always just one step behind. thats just who i am. im just
  a stupid little forgotten girl who lets their past torture them. hah

September 27, 2020

TW for death

my great grandma died today (she was 91). honesty it isnt really affecting me since
  i only talked to her a few times in my life and i dont think ive ever even seen her. it's
  still kind of weird knowing a family member of mine is just... gone. i feel kind of guilty
  for not feeling worse but i guess its just natural. 
  
  i've been wanting to go outside for almost a week now but i keep procrastinating. i havent
  left my house in 4 days. maybe tomorrow lol? been drawing a lot lately instead. drawing, 
  chatting on discord and listening to music are pretty much the only things that make me happy 
  anymore. but i guess its an improvement from last entry? idk i dont wanna jinx it. i feel really
  ugly today, i didnt wash my face or shower at all from thursday to this morning. i know that 
  sounds really unhygenic but it was really hard for me to actually gather the energy to do pretty
  much anything, so im honestly proud of myself for at least taking that small step.

September 25, 2020

i feel so weak.. i cry all the time, im always lonely, im always sad, it sucks. i usually
  get sad like this but before it didnt feel as terrible because i wasnt even trying to feel
  better, but now im trying i really am, and i still feel bad. i tried doing what i like,
  i tried making something to eat, i tried listening to happy music, but none of it worked. i 
  just feel tired and miserable. happy music and funny videos usually cheer me up but now they
  just frustrate me. and also... i think im getting really bad grades. like B's and below. i just
  dont have the motivation for anyhting and when i do have motivation i cant focus and forget everything.
  every little thing is so hard for me and i feel stupid. im trying so hard, but it's not working out.
  i havent gone to school for 2 days already because i just felt too exhausted and miserable. i felt so
  sad this morning i nearly threw up, and last night i cried so much i could barely breathe. it's
  all just going in a downward spiral and i cant get up. my best friend who always makes me feel better
  isnt replying to my messages, idk if its because her discord isnt working or if shes busy. so 
  im stuck by myself. even going on calls with my friends and laughing, i still feel sad. i just
  hope everything gets better soon, because nothing i try is working.

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