wasn't very lucky today but other than that my day was okay. i'm going to the city tomorrow with my friend to get anime figures and bubble tea :D im looking forward to it!! also i cleaned my room without being asked for the first time in ages, that probably sounds like im just lazy but i have a lot of trouble when it comes to motivation and energy so honestly this is a big improvement for me. uhh i dont really have a lot to say today,,,,,, i think that's it tbh :p
i spent a lot of time updating my site :"D im quite proud though, i think it looks a lot better! school's almost over, only 2 weeks left. im.. not really happy with what i achieved this year in school, i didnt make as many friends as i wanted to :( theres always next year ig. i really want to buy a gaming setup, right now all i have is a laptop and a gaming mouse cjdvfhvjh and my laptop has like 4 gb ram please send help T_T.... also ive been kind of. obsessed with personality types lately, idk why but i always feel a need to categorise myself and know exactly what type of person i am since i struggled a lot with depersonalisation and didn't really know (still dont ngl) who i was for a long time. do most people feel like they dont know themselves or is it unusual? i really cant tell how much of what i do is normal or not LOL
I can't believe it's already almost the end of the year,,;; i feel both like i accomplished a lot and did nothing at the same time lol. my mental health got worse but i improved most other things so that outweighs the negatives right? ^.^' i bought some makeup today, nothing fancy just BB cream and mascara :P. but i think i'm starting to come out of that depressive episode FINALLY,, jeez it took me long enough. hopefully nothing will set it off again because honestly i would prefer to be able to brush my teeth more than 4 times a week lol i made some new friends from my school over instagram, they offered to let me sit with them but it's a very big group and im a bit scared to approach them randomly so i'll just wait for the right moment i guess? lol i'm terrible at approaching people XD. also i started using neopronouns on top of my normal pronouns (bun/bunself), so far nobody's made fun of me abt it but i feel like it's only a matter of time ngl T_T ah well i cant please everybody :"). rereading through my older entries is interesting. around the start i didn't really say much, it was really vague entries only a couple sentences long. i think writing this blog/diary/website has helped me be able to open up a bit more, even if it's anonoymous. i still struggle a LOT with opening up to people i know irl but it's nice to be able to write anything i want on this website :]
today was a bit better, i was more social and talkative today than i was before and my friend bought me some milk bread. i still feel really lonely but it's better than it was before right? (＾▽＾) other than that today was pretty uneventful, i didnt really do much and couldn't focus very well in class ;_; at least the semesters over now and i dont have to worry about grades (speaking of which i did pretty well, i got only A's and B's). my mum cleaned my room for me which was nice of her, since a lot of the time i'm too tired/unmotivated to clean it myself haha. oh yeah i also got my first commission today! i'll be getting $30 from it which is very neat, i should probs get started on it lol
Nobody talks to me anymore nobody texts me my friend group makes plans in front of me and dont invite me why am i not good enough for anyone? why does everyone ignore me? i try so hard to be like everyone else but its never enough. im an introvert but i just want to stop feeling so lonely now i dont even know what to do from here the school year is almost over and ive got almost nobody ;; this isnt how i wanted my teenage years to go but idk how to change anything i wish i didnt have to go to school it just makes me want to die from loneliness nobody understands the only person who cares to check in on me is a stranger on reddit, not even my friends my life is pathetic, and i know i should be trying to change it but GAHH its so hard :(( i know ive been venting a lot here, it's just this website is really the only place i can get my feelings out without feeling like a burden :") but hey at least ive always got the weekend to look forward to? ive been practising my art skills so hopefully i can open commissions and buy myself something nice :D
im so lonely and sad and tired i just want someone to care about me my parents are the only ones who remotely care about me and they always make me feel sad and angry i dont even want to talk to my mom she just makes me feel terrible about myself i only have like 3 friends i spend all of my time on discord or watching anime why has my life gone downhil llike this im so fucking lonely its unbearable i just wanna talk to someone i just want to be friends with someone but it feels like everyone gets annoyed be me or hates me so i just leave them alone i mean my best friend of 4 years is just leaving me on seen now so if she who stuck with me for years is leaving me then i dont have hope with anyone do i hahdjjhah im so lonely do i even exist? i dont exist to anyone else nobody messages me nobody asks to hang out nobody cares nobodyc ares im so sick of pretending to hbe okay im sihck of laughing everytbing off i cant even get out if bed anymore tgis world is terible i just wanna behappy but i cant
SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING :(( I didn't have wifi for a while and after that I just didn't have the energy to :( I can give a quick rundown of what happened though; October 14-16: was very sad/stressed abt moving and passed out LMAO october 16-25: sad but mostly chill october 25-now: depressive episode B) so yeah sorry its not detailed LMFAO im too lazy, more detailed entries soon
moving tmr!! finally getting out of this crusty lil apartment XD ive been getting a lot of migraines recently from all the moving around and lfiting :(( schools been a lot less stressful though since im pretty sure i only have one exam/assessment the entire term !! also i really want to get my hair cut and dyed, i look so bland its horrible :( i really wanna get it cut like!! emo bangs and shorter, and maybe with pink and black streaks :33 i think that would look cute,,,
my family was fighting a lot today. these past few days have been stressful af which doesnt help that im already suicidal and sad :( i just want to get this whole thing over with
moving in 2 days, we've been packing a lot. i have an exam on friday that i cant really study for much cuz of moving x.x
Sorry for disappearing these past few days. did i worry anyone? lol probably not im so excited for halloween and im kinda getting over moving house, like its a little bit further away sure but its not like its in another city or something. it could be worse ig :p
i feel so alone and invisible... i wanted to kill myself so bad today but i didnt, because im scared of missing out on something good. my parents dont seem to care that i'm hurting, i was crying today and my mum hit me and yelled at me. i dont really have anything or anyone left except my passion. i wanna be in a hospital, or someplace like that where people can fuss over me and treat me well, because here i feel like im completely invisible and forgotten. but i guess thats just what im destined to be, right? ive always been left behind my entire life, always second best. always just one step behind. thats just who i am. im just a stupid little forgotten girl who lets their past torture them. hah
TW for deathmy great grandma died today (she was 91). honesty it isnt really affecting me since i only talked to her a few times in my life and i dont think ive ever even seen her. it's still kind of weird knowing a family member of mine is just... gone. i feel kind of guilty for not feeling worse but i guess its just natural. i've been wanting to go outside for almost a week now but i keep procrastinating. i havent left my house in 4 days. maybe tomorrow lol? been drawing a lot lately instead. drawing, chatting on discord and listening to music are pretty much the only things that make me happy anymore. but i guess its an improvement from last entry? idk i dont wanna jinx it. i feel really ugly today, i didnt wash my face or shower at all from thursday to this morning. i know that sounds really unhygenic but it was really hard for me to actually gather the energy to do pretty much anything, so im honestly proud of myself for at least taking that small step.
September 25, 2020i feel so weak.. i cry all the time, im always lonely, im always sad, it sucks. i usually get sad like this but before it didnt feel as terrible because i wasnt even trying to feel better, but now im trying i really am, and i still feel bad. i tried doing what i like, i tried making something to eat, i tried listening to happy music, but none of it worked. i just feel tired and miserable. happy music and funny videos usually cheer me up but now they just frustrate me. and also... i think im getting really bad grades. like B's and below. i just dont have the motivation for anyhting and when i do have motivation i cant focus and forget everything. every little thing is so hard for me and i feel stupid. im trying so hard, but it's not working out. i havent gone to school for 2 days already because i just felt too exhausted and miserable. i felt so sad this morning i nearly threw up, and last night i cried so much i could barely breathe. it's all just going in a downward spiral and i cant get up. my best friend who always makes me feel better isnt replying to my messages, idk if its because her discord isnt working or if shes busy. so im stuck by myself. even going on calls with my friends and laughing, i still feel sad. i just hope everything gets better soon, because nothing i try is working.