FUUUUUCUKKK my familys moving to this place thats like an hour away from where I live rn... whatever at least it has a lot of thrift shops kjfidhfjd been feeling a vv strong urge to SH lately and ive been getting a lot of intrusive thoughts and dysmorphia. i really wanna cut my hair shorter but my parents keep putting off scheduling a hairdresser and its making me rlly upset i hate looking so feminine. i would cut it myself but i dont wanna fuck up like always.
I think i'm a demigirl, im not comfy being a woman anymore.. i get dysphoria and its so weird saying im a woman. so yeah i go by they/she pronouns now, sometimes im ok with she/her pronouns though anyways on with the rest of the entry.! didnt do much today. science and english was EZ. didnt do anything in PE. im finally allowed to wear eyeliner to school now THANK GOD i dont look like a straggot anymore LMAO
Why does everything seem darker? quieter too. i feel kinda lonely. well.. really lonely. like im invisible. my family never talk to me. my friends ignore me. i dont have anyone except my online friends and some close friends. i don't belong anywhere. i feel out of place all the time, like i belong somewhere else. how do i make it stop? i was so happy only a few months ago. what happened to me, why did i ruin it again? i just want friends who understand me and a family who notice me.. everyone else has that but me. i guess ill just have to keep pushing through. im really craving mcdonalds rn, might go buy some tomorrow. nothing like a good old mcchicken to cheer me up right? :") at least i dont have any exams until next term. its the last week of school so im counting down the days till my freedom lol
Had a math exam today, i think i did ok.. but felt v sad today :( i feel so lonely lately. i realised im never someone's first choice, im never someone's closest friend. they always have someone just above me who they'd choose over me. i know that kinda sounds selfish but i want someone to choose me over anyone else, but that's never happened in my life. ive never had anyone like that. idk what it is about me that drives people away. sigh i also s//lf harmed a lot yesterday. its kinda weird because its not bc i hate myself or anything, but rather i just like the pain?? its not a sexual thing btw, i just kind of get entranced in the buring feeling ...
im feeling better now :) my moods been fluctuating a lot today tho which sucks, but other than that.. thank god its the weekend literally just sat on my ass listening to subliminals all day LMAO. i was supposed to study since I have a math exam on wednesday but i was too lazy lol. also i noticed that my mood fluctuates a lot throughout this journal, like one day im on the brink of commiting not alive and the next im perfectly fine. might be BPD or bipolar but idk???? weird shit. i quit the cafe too btw, the place made me really anxious and i kept missing out on my studies/free time. so now i have to save my leftover cash until i can find a new way to get money.
im dissociating i cant i cant tell if anythngs real my friend's mad at me and he hates me im so sorry nathan i want to help you but i cant i just want to be alone Im sorry why am i so ruined I'm a terrible friend i can never help anyone because its so hard for me to trust people, i dont want to hurt anyone but i do anyway. my emotional shield is hurting people now and i dont know how to stop i should just be left alone i think i dont want to hurt anyone ill just float away until im better i want to get better i want to but its so hard i try so hard to love everyone and find the beauty in the little things, it's starting to work but its still hard for me to love myself im probably not realanyway ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
I haven't updated in so long!! D: I haven't really been motivated to code lately plus i've been busy but !! I'm back!! I also have a girlfriend now!! She's the besstttttttttt :) but on a worse note i've been feeling really weird.. i can't focus in class AT ALL, i forget everything so quickly, and i cant tell the difference between reality and dreams sometimes... i read in a paper that the dream/reality confusion is a side effect of BPD which i think i have but MANN IT SUCKS i feel so confused whenever it happens. you know that kind of confused feeling you get whenever you have deja vu? that's kind of what it feels like and i hate it. but anyways not much else to say for now.
man, i keep forgetting to update here, sorry about that :c today was .. weird i guess i missed my bus and had to catch the late one which drove right past me, thankfully the bus driver saw me running to the next stop and waited for me (what a king). didn't have a lot of classes today, just art, english and sport. we had to do a portrait of a baby in art and mine kinda sucked LMAO.... english was just normal nothing really out of the ordinary, and in sport i did literally nothing because i was daydreaming :D so yeah thats my day wrapped up.. i think i've mastered patience thanks to waiting months for single issues of comics hdjshsahdch, , like when i first started reading comics i was like "omg i have to wait another month for the next issue NOO" and now i'm like "only 46 days left thats like nothing" call me a nerd for reading comics, but if you only knew me irl you'd never expect me to be someone who reads comics obsessively haha anyways im gonna draw now, so signing out 😌✌️
the past few days i've just been sitting at home watching the days until i go back to school go down ;( school comes back after tomorrow which sucks. on the bright side my skin is clear so at least i'll go back with a slight glow up :"P also the covid cases are going up again in my country so if it gets worse in sydney we might have to go back to online classes x.x i honestly miss online classes because i didnt have anxiety doing them lol
sorry for not updating the past couple days, i've been busy. so i'll do a quick recap- on tuesday i didnt do anything so there's nothing to say. yesterday i went to a friend's house and we ate snacks and watched anime. we found a new series that we love (mairimashita iruma kun), it's very good :] we had sushi and arizona tea for lunch, a lot of snacks, and pizza for dinner. ok uhhhh... today i went to the cafe again to help out with a "christmas in july" themed kids workshop they had going on and now i'm exhausted. my mom wants me to go to someone's house for a sleepover but mannn i'm way too tired. so im just gonna stay home sick. i honestly cant do another day. im so fucking tired. i'm really pissed at my mom for some reason. she keeps making me do all these things and when i show the slightest hint of not wanting to, she starts guilt tripping me. like she always says "you don't have to if you dont want to" but then she proceeds to make me seem and feel like a bad person for not wanting to. she always tells me to SMILE SMILE SMILE and that i look sad when i just don't feel any emotion in particular. she doesnt understand no matter how i tell her and she always seems dissapointed in me when i dont do exactly what she wants. she thinks im supposed to act like her and be her cute little "mini me" and not my own person. surprise mom i'm not 9 anymore. i'm my own person and i dont have to do what pleases you all the time. but she doesn't want to let me be my own person, she'd rather emotionally manipulate me into doing what SHE wants for me. she doesn't ask me if I'M happy about it, nOOOOooo. she just tells me i dont have to and then when i say no she manipulates me and pressures me until i give in. so now i'm locked in my room and tired as hell. no way am i going anywhere tomorrow, they can drag my dead body to work and somehow reanimate my corpse into serving pastry.
first day of work (i know i called it volunteering earlier but i'm getting paid and have hours so it's a job lol)! i was really nervous at first and messed up a lot (which was embarrasing), but it was a lot better than i was expecting and i quickly got better. me and the girl im working with hit it off quickly and we're friends now. i'm mostly just helping around the cafe since this is just for work experience, but i really like it so far :] i spend most of my time serving customers and cleaning up, but the people i'm working with are really friendly and make it a lot of fun ^^. it's a little tiring since i'm standing around and walking for 4-8 hours a day but still.. a lot of fun :) apparently i'm supposed to make $12 an hour, but i only did half a day today so i got $50 at the end of the day. i dont think thats a lot but eh i dont really need much since i'm just doing this for experience and it's not a full time job. Anyways uh... what else can i write about? the weather's very rainy right now. the sky's a really dusty red. and there's a rainbow! here's the photo: ok i know it doesnt show the red on camera but i swear its red lolol the rain's really soothing
went outside for the first time in a week today. i bought the uniform for the cafe i'm volunteering at. i'm a little nervous, but hey at least i'll get free food and money. i want to try more cooking so when i get back from the cafe tomorrow i'll make egg rice. uhh.... not much to write about today.. i woke up super late (12pm) so i was sleeping for most of the day. i feel kinda sad because my parents always blame my mental health on anything they can, and refuse to get me any help. which sucks since i think i have a LOT of disorders (anxiety, bipolar, adhd, panic attack disorder, ptsd, bpd, social anxiety). my brains really messed up yeah lol. oh yeah and before you call me one of those fake diagnoser people, i did a LOT of research beforehand.. so don't group me in with those billie eilish people just because i dont have access to a proper diagnosis yet ok :(
you know what im sick of everyone mistreating me im gonna take a lot of sleeping pills tonight and just see if i wake up or not because i dont care anymore
my parents dont give a shit about my happiness my friends probably would replace me if they wanted to and idc so lets see if i die or not today :) if i stop updating you will all know what happened
I relaxed a lot today. I had a mineral bath which was supposed to relax me but I kept getting annoyed at how I couldnt fit properly in the bath so one part of me was always cold. The bath smelled nice though. My mum's trying to get me to come to her work (she works at a cafe). I'm only going because she promised me money. Also there's a girl my age who works there, I don't know what to expect from her but I'm hoping she's not boring. I'm worried that i'll be awkward around her, because when it comes to being social i'm either extremely comfortable and social around a person or really awkward and quiet. Hopefully she shares some of my interests and isn't one of those people who have no personality. But hey maybe we'll hit it off and become best friends. Oh yeah, I've been thinking about making one of those click-and-point 2000's style games into my website with some images. Idk if you guys get what I mean but would you be interested in something like that? :)
today i felt pretty good. i had cereal for breakfast, quiche for lunch and fried squid for dinner. most of the day i just drew, listened to music/subliminals, and just generally relaxed. but of course it got worse. when i went on instagram and saw my friends posts of hanging out together and having fun and i suddenly felt regret that i didn’t go but i know i couldn’t go anyway because my phone would die and i don’t know how to get back and i don’t have any money anyway. plus i don't have anything to wear because i'm not old enough for a job and my parents always avoid buying me clothes, even though they both have 2 closets full of clothes for themselves. god i just want to know why i can never have anything genuinely good for myself. all i have is my phone and my laptop. i want to go out more by myself but im really tired and don't have any motivation. i'm not doing good at all, even if i try to. i do so much to try and make myself happy but it's all just short term, if it even works. all those "self care" things- bubble baths, cups of tea, watching the clouds, meditating (actually i like meditating but still), colouring books, cooking... it all just gives me a temporary feeling of peacefulness. but it always ends so quickly and that tiny fragment of joy i felt just dissapears. it's like i never did anything in the first place. those things are supposed to make me feel better, right? so why don't they?
I've been getting back into subliminals recently so I'm trying to become happier so I can raise my vibrations. it's honestly a little hard but i'm trying my best! today i skipped breakfast and had pesto pasta for lunch. as of writing this entry i haven't eaten dinner yet, but eh that's not important. my friends invited me to hang out with them tomorrow but i just want to stay at home for now. i haven't been feeling too social recently. i spent most of my day working on my website today, it was nice and relaxing (i know, who could have thought that coding is relaxing LOL). but i don't want to spend all of my holidays alone, so maybe i'll meet up with some friends when i feel more social. idk. my closet's looking so empty, i threw out a lot of my old clothes because they either didn't fit me or i just didn't like them. now i have hardly anything to wear :( my parents probably won't buy me new clothes for a while even if they say they will. they lie a lot about buying me stuff. it really frustrates me honestly, when they get my hopes up about something just to inevitably let me down. it's been happening ever since i was a kid. hhh.
July 5, 2020so school's finally over, i've just been relaxing and drawing for the past few days. i have completely fucked over my sleep schedule since i keep staying up until 2 am listening to spotify lol i haven't really been updating my journal much because now that school's over nothing's really happening. i've actually been doing ok recently, not amazing but i haven't had a mental breakdown for a record 3 days which is a good achievement for me LOL- i'm also getting a new phone next week which is great because i currently have the worlds shittiest iphone 5s which shuts down randomly at 50%, also the camera doesn't work. so lmao im glad to finally get a new one.
July 1, 2020I'm so tired and frustrated all the time. school is so tiring and i'm really sensitive to loud noises, so you can imagine how much i hate lunchtime. basically every lunch i awkwardly sit with my (very loud) friends as they yell, trying not to have a panic attack... what do i have to do to find my ideal friends? everyone i know seems to have their perfect friend groups except me. so im just sitting with my friends who are really nice yes but.. they're just not what i need. all they do is joke around i dont feel like i can vent to them. so yeah school is a living hell and i hate it im so fucking tired
June 23, 2020it's finally the second last week of school. i'm glad that it's almost over, but all the due dates are this week and my brain is being a shit and not letting me focus AT ALL. all the reports have already been written though, i got pretty good grades (except for PE and art, i missed like half the term of art and suck at PE). no idea how. maybe the teachers just felt sorry for me?
June 22, 2020god i'm so fucking sick of everyone making mental illnesses funny and quirky. literally shut the fuck up, you're making people who are actually suffering. stop saying "omg that gave me PTSD lolol!!" you have no idea what its like. at least schools ending soon so i can just sleep. im tired all the time.
June 18, 2020it's my birthday! i actually had a pretty good day today.. i stayed home from school (yay, no PE) and just watched youtube all day. got lots of birthday wishes which was a really nice surprise :") i had sushi for dinner and am getting a new phone next week for a present. i've got a lot of schoolwork to do and have to study for an exam, but i feel really unmotivated. i have an assessment tomorrow as well, but i'll just have to wait and see how that goes. i'm not expecting amazing grades this term, i was too tired and sad the whole term to put too much effort in.
June 16, 2020i'm so done with everything, i'm tired all the time and keep overeating. i can't stand another day at school, i'm so tired and sad. i told my dad i felt really sad and all he did was say "don't be sad" thanks dad that really helps. not much to write about today as everything's been pretty uneventful. i'm just feeling generally bad as usual :P
June 14, 2020i feel so alienated. all of my classmates are so.. genuinely happy. they're all talkative and don't seem to have any major problems. and then there's me, with my truckload of mental illnesses and trauma. i don't belong anywhere (except one groupchat).even with my friends, i don't truly belong. at least i dont feel like i do. i dont feel like i belong here, or anywhere. i always feel the need to change myself for others. i've done it so much i lost my sense of identity and have no idea who i am anymore. all i have left are fragments of memories from my childhood, when i was social and happy. now i'm just lost. i keep changing myself for others, because i want them to like me, i want them to not judge me. i feel like everyone judges me, no matter what i do. can't they just pretend i don't exist? please? leave me to my own devices and let me just lie down without a care. i don't want you to look at me and judge me for what you think i am. you think you know me? unless you're someone i truly trust, you only know the version of me i made for you.
June 12, 2020nothing is making me happy anymore. it's just an endless cycle of waking up, going to school, coming home, and not having the energy to do anything until i go to sleep. i seriously considered killing myself today. i just don't see the point of continuing to live like this :(. but i didn't, because my online friends would miss me. i love them sm .. now i'm going to rant it's all because of him, and the teachers from my primary (elementary) school. both of them, i hate with all my heart.. i was being sexually harrassed by him 2 years older than me every day, crying in the fucking bathrooms almost every day, and they STILL DIDNT DO ANYTHING. SERIOUSLY FUCK THOSE TEACHERS. I WANNA SCREAM AND YELL AT THEM, TO GET THE MESSAGE THROUGH THEIR THICK SKULLS those teachers were supposed to help me and keep me safe. instead they blamed me and protected him. it's been years and i still almost get a panic attack whenever i feel like someone is chasing me. trauma tingz sparkle emoji anyways, i'm going shopping with my friends tomorrow. should distract me from my thoughts, so i'm looking forward to it !!
June 10, 2020school's been relaxing a bit with the workload lately, which i would normally be grateful for- except now i have nothing to do except mindlessly watch youtube and anime since i have no motivation to do anything else. i've been having fun with my friends but i always have a feeling of sadness underneath my happiness... i don't really know how to describe it but it makes me feel hopeless- even when i'm happy, i'm sad? how is that even fair? then again, when has life ever been fair to me. also, one of my old friends is ghosting me. we've been friends since 5th grade, i really hope she isn't trying to abandon me. she promised to never leave me. i don't know what i did to deserve this, she's causing me so much pain. does she even realise...? on a more positive note, i have plans to finally hang out with my friends on the weeekend. i'm hoping they don't cancel last minute, because i'm really looking forward to it... oh, and my birthday's in 8 days. (june 18). i'm glad all the restaurants are back open so i can go to my favourite Japanese place. the food there is delicious ^_^
June 8, 2020another lazy day.... except that cycle will break tomorrow since it's another school week. i hate school so fucking much T_T not so much the classes, but i just hate waking up at ungodly hours and being forced to go to a place where i'm forced to do shit i don't care about. one of my friends has been ignoring my texts for weeks. why does everyone hate me? what is it about me that's so unlikable? everyone seems to hate me or have some kind of issue with me. i mean, i get where they're coming from but.. i was hoping it was just me thinking i'm ugly or annoying or stupid. but the way everyone hurts me, it seems to be mutual. it doesn't matter. i'll be out of their way soon anyway :)/pre>
June 7, 2020i didn't do much today. just worked on this website and tried to draw some stuff. feeling really helpless and tired. sucks that my dumb body won't let me take a nap. i just feel so, so exhausted.. i don't see a point in living. i'm just so damn sick of everything. i wish i could just dream all the time, instead of being shoved around and being made to do anything i don't want to. that's a coma right? if anyone has tips on how to enter a coma, hmu lol. i want to tell my parents how i've been feeling but.. is it too late? it's been 2 years since the incident, would they get mad..?
June 6, 2020went to the beach today. it wasn’t too bad honestly, i felt a bit happier and we had mcdonalds lol. when we got home i really started feeling worse and had a panic attack. i cut for the first time in months, and felt way better. i didnt cry as much as i usually do. anyways it's getting late, i should sleep. gn (￣ω￣)/