MY J0URNAL



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September 24, 2020

 FUUUUUCUKKK my familys moving to this place thats like an hour away
  from where I live rn...  whatever at least it has a lot of thrift shops kjfidhfjd
  been feeling a vv strong urge to SH lately and ive been getting a lot of intrusive thoughts
  and dysmorphia. i really wanna cut my hair shorter but my parents keep putting off scheduling
  a hairdresser and its making me rlly upset i hate looking so feminine. i would cut it myself but
  i dont wanna fuck up like always. 

September 22, 2020

I think i'm a demigirl, im not comfy being a woman anymore.. i get
  dysphoria and its so weird saying im a woman. so yeah i go by they/she pronouns
  now, sometimes im ok with she/her pronouns though
  anyways on with the rest of the entry.!
  didnt do much today. science and english was EZ. didnt do anything in PE.
  im finally allowed to wear eyeliner to school now THANK GOD i dont look like a 
  straggot anymore LMAO

September 21, 2020

Why does everything seem darker? quieter too. i feel kinda lonely.
  well.. really lonely. like im invisible. my family never talk to me. my friends
  ignore me. i dont have anyone except my online friends and some close friends. i 
  don't belong anywhere. i feel out of place all the time, like i belong somewhere else.
  how do i make it stop? i was so happy only a few months ago. what happened to me, why
  did i ruin it again? i just want friends who understand me and a family who notice me.. 
  everyone else has that but me. i guess ill just have to keep pushing through. 
  im really craving mcdonalds rn, might go buy some tomorrow. nothing like a good old 
  mcchicken to cheer me up right? :") at least i dont have any exams until next term. its
  the last week of school so im counting down the days till my freedom lol 

September 16, 2020

Had a math exam today, i think i did ok.. but felt v sad today :( i feel
  so lonely lately. i realised im never someone's first choice, im never someone's
  closest friend. they always have someone just above me who they'd choose over me. i 
  know that kinda sounds selfish but i want someone to choose me over anyone else, but that's
  never happened in my life. ive never had anyone like that. idk what it is about me
  that drives people away. sigh
  i also s//lf harmed a lot yesterday. its kinda weird because its not bc i hate myself
  or anything, but rather i just like the pain?? its not a sexual thing btw, i just kind of
  get entranced in the buring feeling ... 

September 12, 2020

im feeling better now :) my moods been fluctuating a lot today tho which
  sucks, but other than that.. thank god its the weekend
  literally just sat on my ass listening to subliminals all day LMAO. i was supposed
  to study since I have a math exam on wednesday but i was too lazy lol. also i noticed
  that my mood fluctuates a lot throughout this journal, like one day im on the brink of
  commiting not alive and the next im perfectly fine. might be BPD or bipolar but idk????
  weird shit. i quit the cafe too btw, the place made me really anxious and i kept missing
  out on my studies/free time. so now i have to save my leftover cash until i can find a new
  way to get money.

September 11, 2020

im dissociating
  i cant
  i cant tell if anythngs real
  my friend's mad at me and he hates me im so sorry nathan
  i want to help you but i cant
  i just want to be alone
  Im sorry
  why am i so ruined
  I'm a terrible friend i can never help anyone because its so hard for me to 
  trust people, i dont want to hurt anyone but i do anyway. my emotional shield 
  is hurting people now and i dont know how to stop
  i should just be left alone i think
  i dont want to hurt anyone
  ill just
  float away until im better
  i want to get better i want to but its so hard
  i try so hard to love everyone and find the beauty in the little things, it's starting
  to work but its still hard for me to love myself
  im probably not realanyway
  ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

August 15, 2020

I haven't updated in so long!! D: I haven't really been motivated to
 code lately plus i've been busy but !! I'm back!! I also have a girlfriend now!!
 She's the besstttttttttt :) but on a worse note i've been feeling really weird..
 i can't focus in class AT ALL, i forget everything so quickly, and i cant tell the difference
 between reality and dreams sometimes... i read in a paper that the dream/reality confusion
 is a side effect of BPD which i think i have but MANN IT SUCKS i feel so confused whenever
 it happens. you know that kind of confused feeling you get whenever you have
 deja vu? that's kind of what it feels like and i hate it. but anyways not much else to say for 
 now. 

July 21, 2020

 man, i keep forgetting to update here, sorry about that :c 
  today was .. weird i guess
  i missed my bus and had to catch the late one which drove right past me,
  thankfully the bus driver saw me running to the next stop and waited for me (what a king).
  didn't have a lot of classes today, just art, english and sport. we had to do 
  a portrait of a baby in art and mine kinda sucked LMAO.... english was just
  normal nothing really out of the ordinary, and in sport i did literally nothing 
  because i was daydreaming :D so yeah thats my day wrapped up..
  i think i've mastered patience thanks to waiting months for single issues of 
  comics hdjshsahdch, , like when i first started reading comics i was like
  "omg i have to wait another month for the next issue NOO" and now i'm like 
  "only 46 days left thats like nothing" 
  call me a nerd for reading comics, but if you only knew me irl you'd never
  expect me to be someone who reads comics obsessively haha
  anyways im gonna draw now, so signing out 😌✌️
 

July 19, 2020

the past few days i've just been sitting at home
    watching the days until i go back to school go down ;( school comes
    back after tomorrow which sucks. on the bright side my skin is clear so
    at least i'll go back with a slight glow up :"P
    also the covid cases are going up again in my country so if it gets worse
    in sydney we might have to go back to online classes x.x i honestly miss 
    online classes because i didnt have anxiety doing them lol

July 16, 2020

sorry for not updating the past couple days, i've been
   busy. so i'll do a quick recap-
   on tuesday i didnt do anything so there's nothing to say.
   yesterday i went to a friend's house and we ate snacks and watched anime.
   we found a new series that we love (mairimashita iruma kun), it's very good :]
   we had sushi and arizona tea for lunch, a lot of snacks, and pizza for dinner.
   ok uhhhh... today i went to the cafe again to help out with a "christmas in july" themed
   kids workshop they had going on and now i'm exhausted. my mom wants me to
   go to someone's house for a sleepover but mannn i'm way too tired. so im just gonna
   stay home sick. i honestly cant do another day. im so fucking tired. 
   i'm really pissed at my mom for some reason. she keeps making me do all these things
   and when i show the slightest hint of not wanting to, she starts guilt tripping me. like
   she always says "you don't have to if you dont want to" but then she proceeds to make
   me seem and feel like a bad person for not wanting to. she always tells me to SMILE SMILE SMILE
   and that i look sad when i just don't feel any emotion in particular. she doesnt 
   understand no matter how i tell her and she always seems dissapointed in me
   when i dont do exactly what she wants. she thinks im supposed to act like her
   and be her cute little "mini me" and not my own person. surprise mom i'm not 9 anymore.
   i'm my own person and i dont have to do what pleases you all the time. but she doesn't
   want to let me be my own person, she'd rather emotionally manipulate me into doing
   what SHE wants for me. she doesn't ask me if I'M happy about it, nOOOOooo. she just 
   tells me i dont have to and then when i say no she manipulates me and pressures me
   until i give in. 
   so now i'm locked in my room and tired as hell. no way am i going anywhere tomorrow,
   they can drag my dead body to work and somehow reanimate my corpse into serving pastry.
   

July 12, 2020

first day of work (i know i called it volunteering earlier
   but i'm getting paid and have hours so it's a job lol)! i was really
   nervous at first and messed up a lot (which was embarrasing), but it was
   a lot better than i was expecting and i quickly got better.
   me and the girl im working with hit it off quickly and we're friends now.
   i'm mostly just helping around the cafe since this is just for work experience, but i
   really like it so far :] i spend most of my time serving customers
   and cleaning up, but the people i'm working with are really friendly
   and make it a lot of fun ^^. it's a little tiring since i'm standing
   around and walking for 4-8 hours a day but still.. a lot of fun :)
   apparently i'm supposed to make $12 an hour, but i only did half a day today
   so i got $50 at the end of the day. i dont think thats a lot but eh i dont
   really need much since i'm just doing this for experience and it's not a
   full time job. Anyways uh... what else can i write about?
   the weather's very rainy right now. the sky's a really dusty red. and there's a
   rainbow! here's the photo:
   
   ok i know it doesnt show the red on camera but i swear its red lolol
   the rain's really soothing 
  

July 11, 2020

went outside for the first time in a week today.
   i bought the uniform for the cafe i'm volunteering at. i'm
   a little nervous, but hey at least i'll get free food and money.
   i want to try more cooking so when i get back from the cafe tomorrow
   i'll make egg rice. uhh.... not much to write about today.. i woke up
   super late (12pm) so i was sleeping for most of the day. i feel kinda
   sad because my parents always blame my mental health on anything they can,
   and refuse to get me any help. which sucks since i think i have a LOT of
   disorders (anxiety, bipolar, adhd, panic attack disorder, ptsd, bpd, 
   social anxiety). my brains really messed up yeah lol. oh yeah and before
   you call me one of those fake diagnoser people, i did a LOT of research
   beforehand.. so don't group me in with those billie eilish people just
   because i dont have access to a proper diagnosis yet ok :(
   
   

July 10, 2020

you know what
  im sick of everyone mistreating me
  im gonna take a lot of sleeping pills tonight 
  and just see if i wake up or not 
  because i dont care anymore
 [DELETED ENTRY]
 my parents dont give a shit about my happiness
  my friends probably would replace me if they wanted  to
  and idc
  so lets see if i die or not today :)
  if i stop updating you will all know what happened 
  

July 9, 2020

I relaxed a lot today. I had a mineral bath which
   was supposed to relax me but I kept getting annoyed at how
   I couldnt fit properly in the bath so one part of me was always
   cold. The bath smelled nice though. My mum's trying to get me 
   to come to her work (she works at a cafe). I'm only going 
   because she promised me money. Also there's a girl my age who
   works there, I don't know what to expect from her but I'm hoping
   she's not boring. I'm worried that i'll be awkward around her,
   because when it comes to being social i'm either extremely 
   comfortable and social around a person or really awkward and 
   quiet. Hopefully she shares some of my interests and isn't one
   of those people who have no personality. But hey maybe we'll hit
   it off and become best friends.  Oh yeah, I've been
   thinking about making one of those click-and-point 2000's style games 
   into my website with some images. Idk if you guys get what I mean but
   would you be interested in something like that? :)

July 8, 2020

today i felt pretty good. i had cereal for 
   breakfast, quiche for lunch and fried squid for dinner.
   most of the day i just drew, listened to music/subliminals,
   and just generally relaxed. but of course it got worse. when i went on
   instagram and saw my friends posts of hanging out 
   together and having fun and i suddenly felt regret that
   i didn’t go but i know i couldn’t go anyway because my phone 
   would die and i don’t know how to get back and i don’t have any money
   anyway. plus i don't have anything to wear because i'm not old 
   enough for a job and my parents always avoid buying me clothes, even though
   they both have 2 closets full of clothes for themselves. god i just
   want to know why i can never have anything genuinely good for myself. 
   all i have is my phone and my laptop. i want to go out more by myself
   but im really tired and don't have any motivation.   i'm not doing good
   at all, even if i try to. i do so much to try and make myself happy
   but it's all just short term, if it even works. all those "self care" 
   things- bubble baths, cups of tea, watching the clouds, meditating (actually
   i like meditating but still), colouring books, cooking... it all just
   gives me a temporary feeling of peacefulness. but it always ends so quickly
   and that tiny fragment of joy i felt just dissapears. it's like i never
   did anything in the first place. those things are supposed to make me 
   feel better, right? so why don't they? 

July 7, 2020

I've been getting back into subliminals recently
   so I'm trying to become happier so I can raise my vibrations.
   it's honestly a little hard but i'm trying my best! today i skipped
   breakfast and had pesto pasta for lunch. as of writing this entry
   i haven't eaten dinner yet, but eh that's not important. my friends
   invited me to hang out with them tomorrow but i just want to stay at 
   home for now. i haven't been feeling too social recently. i spent most
   of my day working on my website today, it was nice and relaxing (i know,
   who could have thought that coding is relaxing LOL). but i don't want 
   to spend all of my holidays alone, so maybe i'll meet up with some friends
   when i feel more social. idk. 
   my closet's looking so empty, i threw out a lot of my old clothes because
   they either didn't fit me or i just didn't like them. now i have hardly anything
   to wear :( my parents probably won't buy me new clothes for a while even if they 
   say they will. they lie a lot about buying me stuff. it really frustrates me
   honestly, when they get my hopes up about something just to inevitably let me
   down. it's been happening ever since i was a kid. hhh.
   
   

July 5, 2020

so school's finally over, i've just been relaxing and drawing 
   for the past few days. i have completely fucked over my sleep schedule
   since i keep staying up until 2 am listening to spotify lol
   i haven't really been updating my journal much because now that school's
   over nothing's really happening. i've actually been doing ok recently, 
   not amazing but i haven't had a mental breakdown for a record 3 days which
   is a good achievement for me LOL-
   i'm also getting a new phone next week which is great because i currently
   have the worlds shittiest iphone 5s which shuts down randomly at 50%, also
   the camera doesn't work. so lmao im glad to finally get a new one.

July 1, 2020

I'm so tired and frustrated all the time. school
   is so tiring and i'm really sensitive to loud noises, so you can
   imagine how much i hate lunchtime. basically every lunch i awkwardly 
   sit with my (very loud) friends as they yell, trying not to have a
   panic attack... what do i have to do to find my ideal friends? everyone
   i know seems to have their perfect friend groups except me.
   so im just sitting with my friends who are really nice yes but.. they're
   just not what i need. all they do is joke around i dont feel like i can vent
   to them. so yeah school is a living hell and i hate it
   im so fucking tired 

June 23, 2020

it's finally the second last week of school. i'm glad that it's 
   almost over, but all the due dates are this week and my brain
   is being a shit and not letting me focus AT ALL. all the reports
   have already been written though, i got pretty good grades (except
   for PE and art, i missed like half the term of art and suck at PE). 
   no idea how. maybe the teachers just felt sorry for me?

June 22, 2020

god i'm so fucking sick of everyone making mental illnesses funny
   and quirky. literally shut the fuck up, you're making people who
   are actually suffering. stop saying "omg that gave me PTSD lolol!!" 
   you have no idea what its like. 
   at least schools ending soon so i can just sleep. im tired all the time.

June 18, 2020

it's my birthday!Image 
   i actually had a pretty good day today..
   i stayed home from school (yay, no PE) and just watched youtube all day.
   got lots of birthday wishes which was a really nice surprise :") i had
   sushi for dinner and am getting a new phone next week for a present.
   i've got a lot of schoolwork to do and have to study for
   an exam, but i feel really unmotivated. i have an assessment 
   tomorrow as well, but i'll just have to wait and see how
   that goes. i'm not expecting amazing grades 
   this term, i was too tired and sad the whole term
   to put too much effort in. 
   

June 16, 2020

i'm so done with everything, i'm tired all
   the time and keep overeating. i can't stand another
   day at school, i'm so tired and sad. i told my dad i 
   felt really sad and all he did was say "don't be sad"
   thanks dad that really helps. not much to write about
   today as everything's been pretty uneventful. i'm 
   just feeling generally bad as usual :P

June 14, 2020

i feel so alienated. all of my classmates
   are so.. genuinely happy. they're all talkative
   and don't seem to have any major problems. and then
   there's me, with my truckload of mental illnesses
   and trauma. i don't belong anywhere (except one groupchat).even with 
   my friends, i don't truly belong. at least i dont feel like i do. i dont
   feel like i belong here, or anywhere. i always feel the need
   to change myself for others. i've done it so much i lost my 
   sense of identity and have no idea who i am anymore. all i 
   have left are fragments of memories from my childhood, when i
   was social and happy. now i'm just lost. i keep changing
   myself for others, because i want them to like me, i want them
   to not judge me. i feel like everyone judges me, no matter what
   i do. can't they just pretend i don't exist? please? leave me to
   my own devices and let me just lie down without a care. i don't
   want you to look at me and judge me for what you think i am.
   you think you know me? unless you're someone i truly trust,
   you only know the version of me i made for you. 

June 12, 2020

nothing is making me happy anymore. it's
   just an endless cycle of waking up, going to school, coming home, and not having the energy to do anything 
   until i go to sleep. i seriously considered killing myself today. i just don't see the point of continuing to live like
   this :(. but i didn't, because my online friends would miss me. i love them sm Image..  now i'm going to rant
   it's all because of him, and the teachers from my primary (elementary) school. both of them, i hate with all my heart.. i was being sexually 
   harrassed by him 2 years 
   older than me every day, crying in the fucking bathrooms almost every day, and they STILL DIDNT DO ANYTHING. SERIOUSLY FUCK THOSE TEACHERS.
   I WANNA SCREAM AND YELL AT THEM, TO GET THE MESSAGE THROUGH THEIR THICK SKULLS 
   those teachers were supposed to help me and keep me safe. instead they blamed me and protected him. it's been years and i
   still almost get a panic attack whenever i feel like someone is chasing me. trauma tingz sparkle emoji
   anyways, i'm going shopping with my friends tomorrow. should distract me from my thoughts,
   so i'm looking forward to it !!

June 10, 2020

school's been relaxing a bit with the workload lately, which i would normally be grateful 
   for- except now i have nothing to do except mindlessly watch youtube and anime since i have
   no motivation to do anything else. i've been having fun with my friends but i always have a 
   feeling of sadness underneath my happiness... i don't really know how to describe it but
   it makes me feel hopeless- even when i'm happy, i'm sad? how is that even fair? then again,
   when has life ever been fair to me. 
   also, one of my old friends is ghosting me. we've been friends since 5th grade, i really
   hope she isn't trying to abandon me. she promised to never leave me. i don't know
   what i did to deserve this, she's causing me so much pain. does she even realise...?
   on a more positive note, i have plans to finally hang out with my friends on the weeekend.
   i'm hoping they don't cancel last minute, because i'm really looking forward to it...
   oh, and my birthday's in 8 days. (june 18). i'm glad all the restaurants are back open
   so i can go to my favourite Japanese place. the food there is delicious ^_^

June 8, 2020

another lazy day.... except that cycle will break tomorrow since it's another school week.
   i hate school so fucking much T_T not so much the classes, but i just hate waking up at ungodly 
   hours and being forced to go to a place where i'm forced to do shit i don't care about. 
   one of my friends has been ignoring my texts for weeks. why does everyone hate me? what is it
   about me that's so unlikable? everyone seems to hate me or have some kind of issue with me.
   i mean, i get where they're coming from but.. i was hoping it was just me thinking i'm ugly
   or annoying or stupid. but the way everyone hurts me, it seems to be mutual.
   it doesn't matter. i'll be out of their way soon anyway :)/pre>
   

June 7, 2020

i didn't do much today. just worked on this website and tried to draw some stuff. feeling really helpless and tired. 
   sucks that my dumb body won't let me take a nap. i just feel so, so exhausted.. i don't see a point in living. 
   i'm just so damn sick of everything. i wish i could just dream all the time, instead of being shoved around and being made to do 
   anything i don't want to. that's a coma right? if anyone has tips on how to enter a coma, hmu lol.
   
   i want to tell my parents how i've been feeling but.. is it too late? it's been 2 years since the incident, would they get mad..?

June 6, 2020

went to the beach today. it wasn’t too bad honestly, i felt a bit 
    happier and we had mcdonalds lol. when we got home
    i really started feeling worse and had a panic attack. i cut for the first time in months, 
    and felt way better. i didnt
    cry as much as i usually do. anyways it's getting late, i should sleep. gn ( ̄ω ̄)/

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